Basics of Negotiation for Kink + BDSM

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So you've been seeing all these hot girl shit pictures on social media and they've got your mind racing, heart and pelvis pulsing. You feel curious, excited, sexually charged.... and a little nervous. You want to get down and kinky but nervous about where to start. 

This is a common feeling and even the most experienced of kinksters still get the jitters about doing kinky things. It's normalized and has set the standard for intimacy, connection, and even sex to rush in and get it done. That conversation kills the mood and sharing too much takes away the mystery or means you're looking to lock someone into a relationship. But honestly, this is a misconception that usually doesn't cultivate hotter, sexier times and often causes more harm. 

Of course, when we've taken time to cultivate a connection with depth, trust, and care - we can not only feel the rush and amplify the mood with mystery, but in order to do this and allow our body to find and feel safe enough to open, let down it's guard, and trust in the decisions we make - we must front load the efforts to get it there. In the kink + BDSM community it is common for many center and require using standards to help create a baseline for connections so that people can find a way of creating familiarity, gain an understanding of what they will be getting into and what is ethical, and to help develop a sense of safety by setting a foundation for connection, play, and sex that is often different than the societal norm.

There's no "right" or "wrong" way to explore or experience kink - but there are ethical and consensual ways. This is where we start before connection or play even begins.

When we move from a place of ethics and consent, we can find more trust, permission, and alignment in the decisions we make, even when they may feel wild or weird. I lean towards keeping my mind and my conversations about kink (and mostly all things I experience in life) curious and find ways to minimize and dissipate judgement, shame, and fear as curiosities surface. 

Before opening any kind of kinky connection, we start with a negotiation. And honestly, I try to use these tools and style of communication and connection across most areas of my life these days. Below is a quick rundown for those of you who are newly exploring. But it's also great for the ones who have been "in the scene" for a while as we can never have too many refresher or invitations to explore, practice, or expand our soft skills before sharing our wild kinky selves. 

The Basics

What is negotiation? Negotiation is the process by which people plan an activity, commonly a Scene or relationship, and involves deciding what will and will not happen during the activity to establish specified boundaries as well as obtaining everyone's consent through use of assertive speech in order for those things to happen. (from BDSM Wiki)

Why is it important? By taking the time to thoroughly discuss the details of what will happen in a scene, connection, or relationship, you establish a container for play that is clear and that can allow the people within the container to find permission and safety to push their edges while minimizing the possibility of crossing boundaries or violating consent. Nothing is guaranteed and there is always a possibility of harm, but when we take the time to negotiate, we increase the opportunity to walk away from our experiences feeling good about the decisions we've made.

What's in a negotiation? Negotiation should happen before a scene begins. It's a good idea to practice thorough negotiations for the first connection with someone and also when exploring new activities that you haven't done together before. A negotiation is where you share all the things each person needs to know to connect and ask all the questions that need to be answered to in order for everyone to feel comfortable opening up a scene. 

What does a negotiation include? Negotiations include details and dialog around safety, informed consent, vetting, risk profile, existing or past injuries, boundaries, desires, mood setting, hard and soft limits, establishing a safe word and non verbal cues, aftercare, and transparency of skills set. They should also include anything else that you want or need to know or share to feel comfortable doing the activities within the scene. 

When I connect with someone for the first time, I often begin negotiation casually as a point of building connection authentically but also with intention which supports me in opening up possibilities to explore kinky things together. I ask questions to get an idea of what they're into and understand how they communicate. This helps inform me of what feels possible for me and where to start. I do this no matter if I am going to be connecting with them as a top/dominate, a bottom/submissive or a switch.

It is the responsibility and obligation of all people involved to be proactive players in the negotiation process and practice negotiating until all people involved feel complete and ready to open a scene. If you are feeling in any kind of way that you are not able to get the information or come to compromises with the persons involved that allow you to feel comfortable and safe moving into play, it is okay for you to communicate this and not start a scene, no matter how you identify. 

When do you negotiate? Negotiations should happen every time you open a kinky connection. They will look different each time and will change from person to person. My personal negotiation style is very detailed and inclusive of all possibilities, limitations, boundaries and information that is needed to know regardless of what type of scene we will be creating together when negotiating with someone I will be continuing a more intimate and ongoing connection with over time. But when I am negotiating with someone at, let's say, a party or event, it may only include details that are very specific to the scene we will be experiencing in that moment and anything important to know about my current wellbeing. 

Once I've had a thorough negotiation with someone who I also continue to play with, our negotiations often shift to shorter and quicker to include the details of what that specific scene will include and any new information that everyone needs to know that hasn't been shared before. I also restate and check in on points that feel important to me like what type of scene are we creating (is it sensual, sexual, playful, platonic, labbing, etc) as this is something that can change frequently even with the same partner. I want to also state that it's important to check back in on things like types of touch (rough, sensual, erotic, soft, hair pulling, squeezing, scratching, choking, biting, etc.) areas that are okay or to avoid (i.e. chest, pelvic region/genitals, neck, feet, etc) and if sex is on or off the table. This is important because you may desire or choose to have one type of connection during one scene and another in the next. Clear, honest, direct communication that state explicit boundaries and intentions is necessary, sexy and keeps safety a priority. 

Wrapping it up. So in my opinion, negotiations are not only mandatory for connections that include kink and BDSM, but are also great ways to practice communication and connections that are vanilla, platonic, and purely relational outside of this. The more we practice vulnerable, honest, and intentional connection, the easier it becomes, and often with time it also becomes really fun too. I offer 1:1 private sessions and mentorships as well as host group workshops and interactive + educationally centered classes on kink, embodied healing, and intentional intimacy. Check out the sessions and events pages for more information and updated information on current offerings.

I'll be launching the Sensory Playspace Patreon soon which will include deeper dives into educational offerings, tutorial videos, and inspirational fetish content. 

 

Eunique Deeann

Embodied healing + intentional intimacy facilitator. Writer, artist, guide.

https://www.selfstudylab.com
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Permission Slip into Experiencing, Intimacy + Kink